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Some may think I'm crazy for leaving what's
known as the best programme in the world of sport. However, if
there's one thing that I have learnt from being a part of it
all is that there is way more to life than just riding around
in circles and not enjoying what you're doing. As everyone
knows, when you're placed in a situation that you have no
control over, it is often very hard to speak up and get the
issue resolved. Elite sport is a pressure cooker environment,
everyone has targets to hit and medals to win, but it seems
more often than not, nearly always, and apparent across most
sports, targets and medals are put before the individual and
their mental health.
I have come up through the pathway with British Cycling, two
years on Junior Academy and then just over a year on the
Senior Academy. This is where I moved fully to focus on
sprinting and for my dad to lose his training partner for a
while! The British Cycling Academy helped me to understand how
to look after myself with nutrition and recovery, which I
loved learning about because I wanted to make myself the best
athlete I could be. I feel as though it helped me to be more
mature and think more about the decisions I made and whether
it would affect anything I did on the bike. I was also lucky
enough to get given world class equipment required but would
have to say goodbye to my trusty 'planet-flex' as people would
call it (I loved it).
It's now been just over a month since I officially left the
world class programme and I know many people are still
intrigued into my decision as I haven't really opened up about
it other than briefly mentioning in a post on Instagram when I
announced my departure - and in fairness this was only vague.
So, for those of you that are still reading, and want to know
the real reasons for my departure then read on. The short and
simple of it for those of you that haven't got the time to
read this A-Level English essay below, is, I simply wasn't
enjoying it anymore. I had fallen out of love with the sport,
and my mental health was beginning to suffer.
I would get caught up in the life of just cycling and not care
for anything else which meant when things went well, I was
living the high life! But when things didn't go so well... I
guess you get the picture. I would feel very restricted in
what I could do and for someone who loves to keep active, I
found this quite difficult. I felt as though I couldn't do
things adventurous or add to vital life experiences as the
constant thought of 'will this effect training' would go
through my head. This highlights the sacrifices that you have
to make in order to be a successful athlete, don't get me
wrong I always understood this as many other athletes do, but
it's not until you're isolated in a situation when these
sacrifices really hit home. It often felt as if I wasn't in
control of my own life and always had someone/something
determining what I could or could not do. At the end of the
day, it seems a saying that many people try to live by
however, only few are actually successful, life is too short
not to love what you're doing and as I've experienced over the
last few months life is also too short to feel restricted to
new experiences.
I soon took action, along with the experiences I felt I was
missing out on as well as the constant ups and downs and the
emotions that came with it, it finally began to take its toll
on me. I decided to enrol at the Manchester Metropolitan
University studying Sport and Exercise Science. Away from bike
riding I have always wanted to consider working in the field
of strength and conditioning and have done ever since I
started doing gym myself, starting a strength and conditioning
course at MMU seemed like the next logical step in helping me
achieve this if I ever did step away from the programme -
never did I think it would come this early however. However,
starting my studies again did in fact achieve what I wanted it
to - help to keep my mind off cycling for at least a little
bit. You'll be all happy to know that I passed my first
mid-term exam in December and after doing so, it has given me
more confidence and at the time gave me reinforcement that I
am actually good at things other than cycling! Albeit, at the
time this still didn't change the fact that I would still have
to go into training every day and feel a constant amount of
pressure on my shoulders. Trust me, I might be blonde but I'm
not that naive! I understand that this comes with elite sport
(SOMETIMES!) however not to the point where it subtracts the
fun from the sport you love, and you physically feel sick at
the thought of having to get on your bike again. I soon began
to doubt myself and my ability. As you can imagine, this would
then affect my performance, then my mental health would suffer
again. It was just a vicious cycle - excuse the pun!
So, the big topic everyone wants to talk about but always gets
avoided. It is better now in recent years compared to previous
however it is still not spoken about anywhere near enough and
especially not in elite sports! Mental health. In my opinion,
I didn't get the help I needed soon enough. When I did finally
get offered help, I felt as though there was a lot more to be
resolved rather than the case of preventing me from feeling
the way I did. I have always liked to keep myself to myself so
having to explain my feelings to people was often difficult
for me and finding the right person to talk to was even more
so. Obviously, like with all elite sports there were many
people in my support system but only a couple I felt as though
I could talk to and open up about my mental health as I feared
that people wouldn’t understand or would think I don't belong
in that environment anymore. Sometimes those fears became
reality and my existence on the programme was inevitably
questioned. I understand that difficult questions like this
need to be asked, however like all hard conversations there is
a time and a place, and personally, neither of these were done
with that in mind.
Of course, I still wanted to ride my bike and be the best I
could, but this is always hard when your head isn't in right
place. Like all things, you need to be in a positive place in
order to perform at your best, whether that be in an office or
on a velodrome in front of a home crowd, however, in a group
of cycling fanatics, where on the face of it everyone seems to
be in a positive mindset, it is always going to be difficult
for people to get their head around that I wasn’t happy doing
the thing everyone else loved, the majority of the time.
Obviously, being the piggy in the middle this then made me
feel isolated from the people I was around, as I began to find
it more and more difficult to relate to them; none of this was
their fault of course, what I found through this was that you
can very easily begin to overthink things and ultimately think
the worst of everything. Over time it became apparent to my
team mates that I wasn't happy. I never wanted to be a burden
to the people that I was around and in fact this was a factor
in my decision to leave the programme, as I didn't want to
bring the mood down and ultimately affect their performances
also.
Alongside all this, when finally considering leaving the
programme, there were always constant thoughts going through
the back of my head. Foremost, I was scared what my parents
were going to think - obviously, upon reflection now, my head
being in a much happier place this was extremely stupid of me
really - they're my parents for goodness sake, woman! All they
want me to be is happy, but honestly, they're very supportive
people. My biggest worry was that they were going to be
disappointed and feel as though I had just given up. All those
years wasted. Of course, this is not what they thought and I'm
very lucky to have such supportive parents.
Another fear was the lack of security and no structure.
Leaving the programme, I am forcing myself into the real world
and to face different challenges. This is scary! With no past
experiences of work or job interviews (not that many 19 year
olds do but you know what I mean!) I didn't know what I was
getting myself into. But, despite all this, I soon found it an
exciting thought, the world is my oyster! Speaking about
security, this was not to say I was 100% secure on the
programme. There was always the chance of being taken off and
put on three month review at a moment's notice, but elite
sport is like a conveyor belt. People need to get kicked off
for people to be bought on, so you are constantly having to
fight for your position - there's no time for complacency, but
it soon became apparent also that this was a lifestyle I did
not really enjoy.
Admittedly, I had my fair share of breakdowns over the past
few months, which was hard to say at the time but now having
gone through what I have, I've come to realise that it's okay
to feel like that sometimes. Especially when you know you have
people around you to support you through it. I want to say
that mental health is serious and isn't spoken about enough
and in my opinion is often regarded as the last resort to what
is causing problems. If there's one thing to take from this,
it's to speak out before things get worse because believe it
or not, people will want to help you! It's not a form of
weakness to express how you feel.
I guess the question you all have though is: Is she still
riding her bike? The answer, YES! I'm back to enjoying the
sport that I once loved, no pressure, no targets, no one to
question my existence in the sport, just plain old enjoyment
like the 8 year old Georgia once had. Moving on, I'm excited
to get stuck into new things and to just see where life takes
me. I'm continuing with my uni course but also enjoying new
sports such as running and have some plans with this as well.
Having new interests to get stuck into is a refreshing
thought. It helps with not having the only topic at the dinner
table being watts and weights anymore! No offence to anyone
that may be under that category, it's just no longer my cup of
tea! I do eventually want to get back into racing but it just
a matter of finding my feet again and being able to do road
rides longer than 90 minutes. Alongside all this I am also
taking the time to explore new and different countries with my
sister, which I haven't been able to do before. First on the
agenda for us is a visit to Columbia and Ecuador through May
and June!
I hope you enjoyed my blog and was able to take something from
it. Thanks for reading and keep smiling!! :D
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened" - Dr.
Seuss |
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